Breaking the ice - pun intended

My first Substack post

I once answered a Reddit question about the dumbest drug I’d ever done. The answer came to me immediately.

I was candyflipping (LSD and MDMA together) and thought it would be a good idea to do a line of coke in a very dark bathroom at an after-hours club.

It wasn’t coke.

It was meth.

Somehow the meth prolonged the candyflipping and what followed were three long, miserable days of being awake and wired in a way that felt less like energy and more like punishment. At some point I sat down on a couch and started playing Madden. I am not a video game person. I don’t know the buttons, and I don’t care about football. I needed something to occupy my mind and Madden would have to do.

I played for nearly thirty-six straight hours. Game after game, my hands were moving while my brain floated somewhere else.

Meanwhile, my friends lived their lives around me. I watched them wake up, hang out, laugh, eat, leave for the same after-hours club where I tweaked myself nearly to death, come back, sleep, and do it all again. Twice.

I felt like I was inside a movie I couldn’t interact with. I was there, but not there. Unable to speak the right language, unable to join the plot. Just an observer watching time move forward without me.

That was the worst part - not the drugs, not the exhaustion, not even the fear. It was the distance. The sudden realization that I could be surrounded by people and still be completely alone inside my own head.

I don’t tell this story as a warning. Most of us already know the risks. I tell it because it taught me something I didn’t have words for at the time: there’s a kind of experience that doesn’t feel wild or fun or reckless—it feels like disappearing while everything else keeps going.

Eventually the 200mg of Valium I’d eaten over the course of three days to come down finally kicked in and I slept. For days.

Hands down the worst drug experience of my life.

As they say on Reddit… 0/10. Do not recommend